Singles club: Calvin Harris, Dolly Rockers, Florence Rawlings, The Fray + Black Lips feat Faris Rotter

Calvin Harris: Ready for the Weekend

Nobody can deny Calvin Harris’ hit-making, floor-filling credentials. Unfortunately, it’s always been the case that the public buys rubbish music in vast quantities and this seems to be more of the same. There’s none of the urban edge of Dance Wiv Me, none of the shiny gloss of I’m Not Alone, none of the all out disco charm of The Girls. This is just dross, re-hashed 80s-lite garbage.

Dolly Rockers: Gold Digger

I must admit to being a bit lost about the point of Dolly Rockers. The girl group market is already saturated beyond belief, with Sugababes fading and the Saturdays coming in to replace Girls Aloud. This is trashy, with the worst lyrics of the year so far. None of them seem to be able to sing. It’s chav-pop, and I don’t like it. Annoyingly though, it does make you groove a bit.

Florence Rawlings: Hard To Get

This is the best track of this week’s package (although this doesn’t say much). It’s a smooth slice of sultry jazz, with talented youngster Florence upstaging that ‘kooky’ idiot Welch woman of the same name with ease. This is the sort of thing that Amy Winehouse could and should have been doing instead of huge amounts of drugs. Thoroughly enjoyable.

The Fray: Heartless

OK – So let’s get the obvious pun out of the way shall we? The Fray make big empty music for people with big empty lives and souls. It’s very definitely heartless, it’s pointless, and it has the emotional range of a radiator. Anyone that gets taken in by this bilge needs taking outside and giving a firm talking to, and possibly getting slapped out of it. The most stupid self-definition of a title since Kaiser Chiefs gave us all a giggle with Everything is Average Nowadays. The site editor informs me it’s a Kanye West cover. Disbelievingly I checked it out – Kanye’s version is marginally less shit.

Black Lips feat Faris Rotter: Drugs

And here’s another. You’d have to be on drugs to enjoy this. Hur hur hur. It’s sub-Libertines ramshackle rock ‘n’ roll, with that dude from the Horrors apparently making a guest appearance although I couldn’t hear him in the few listens I managed before wanting to hack my own ears off.

Decide for yourself by watching the videos for the singles at The Music Magazine.

Calvin Harris rants on Twitter: part 2

Apparently, Calvin Harris has an album out soon. So he’s turned to the most modern of self-promotion acts – throwing another hissy fit on his Twitter.

You may remember a few weeks ago when the British Phonographic Industry drew the ire of the bespectacled producer-popstar, and this time it’s, guess. No, not war. Not world poverty. Not even swine flu. No no no. The poor baby got a bad review for his new record.

Here’s the highlights in abridged form. It’s pretty funny. Excuse the shouting. Mr Harris’ caps lock button is clearly broken. And the swearing, he’s as potty-mouthed as ever:

THIS ENTIRE INDUSTRY IS FULL OF RICH PEOPLES KIDS, EVERYWHERE, FUCKING RICH PEOPLES KIDS RICH PEOPLES KIDS.

RICH PEOPLES KIDS GETTING GOOD REVIEWS BECAUSE MUMMY FUCKED THE JOURNO IN THE 80S (but it was acceptable in the 80s, non? Hur hur)

FUCK YOU RICH PEOPLE YOU WILL NOT BREAK ME I DON’T GIVE A FUCK I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE YOU ARE ONLY RICH PEOPLE.

Harris then played the ‘music for the people’ card.

RICH PEOPLE MEAN FUCK ALL TO ME SERIOUSLY. I’M MAKING MUSIC FOR REAL PEOPLE AND REAL PEOPLE DANCE – RICH PEOPLE STAND AT THE BACK.

Imagine you just spent 2 years of your life making a record. on your own. every single day, long hours, working to get it sounding right.

imagine the buzz of making something that you love, and after 2 years you finally have something you can’t wait for other people to hear.

then imagine that cd landing on the desk of “snide rich persons kid” or “pathetic london scene-FACE”.

then them skipping through the tracks in their lunch break, and saying “well its calvin harris isn’t it? 2 stars, he’s a dick head”"

Then he went for the sympathy vote.

I’m telling you now that it doesn’t feel good.

but, how is it that i’ve been playing these songs to 20,000 people at festivals this summer, and it’s gone off every single time

Because they are drunk. Or idiots. Or drunk idiots.

Anyway, we suspect that this tantrum is solely for plugging his new record, which is out soon, or something, so we’re going to refuse him the pleasure of mentioning what it’s called, when it’s out, what’s on it, or any of that bumf. Fuck you, Calvin Harris! Yeah!

And for the record, Mr Harris – I’m far from rich, my Mum didn’t fuck any rock stars, and I still think you’re shit. And a bellend. So there.


This article was written for The Music Magazine.